Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
