you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I would fuck him just for his dog
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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