half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
