I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My bed smells like the plague
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
