i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
