i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
