1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
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