i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
