my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?