From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
