your thong is hanging out like whoa
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again