I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
