i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She's the barista slut.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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