whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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