I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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