i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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