and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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