He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
