i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
