Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
