I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
