I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
