You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My first STD was from a foam party
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
