He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
