I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
