you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
