Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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