She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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