If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
