I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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