she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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