Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
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Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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