First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
