is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
