we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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