...so i touched it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
