She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
COCAINE IS GR8
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
