I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
