My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
