i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
