dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
