I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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