When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
