oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
