Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
