last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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