I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
