ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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