My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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