I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
well you can't waste a boner
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
