did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I skipped work to stalk him.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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