I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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