we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wish you could order shots online.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
