Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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