I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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