so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
