I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
