I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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