the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
