Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
