Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.