You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
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I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
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I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.