i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?