omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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