Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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